What If?

This is extremely funny. Until you realize how sad it is (hat tip: Israelity).

If Arik (Sharon) woke up today….

 

It is a rainy night and we are at Tel Hashomer Hospital. Only one assistant is around, named Shmiel. He is on night duty tonight in the room of “sleeping” former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.

 

Everybody, but Sharon himself, knows he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel. Shmiel is sitting peeling an apple and G the Israeli Secret Service (Shabak) agent is nodding off.

 

Suddenly, all the machines start to beep. The PM is waking up!

 

Sharon says, “I haven’t slept like that for a long time! Get me my strategist, Reuven Adler, I have some ideas for a new direction.”

 

Shmiel says, “Good morning, sir. How do you feel?”

 

Sharon answers, “I am dying of hunger. Where am I?”

 

The Shabak agent continues to sleep while Shmiel explains to Sharon what had happened to him.

 

Sharon does not take him seriously and says, “So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh Shmiel?”

 

Shmiel says, “Sorry sir but you are really no longer the PM.”

 

After a few minutes Sharon asks, “So who replaced me?”

 

Shmiel answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

 

Sharon reacts, “Olmert? That Jerusalemite putz? What will happen if war breaks out, he does not know how to run the army! At least Shaul [Mofaz] is still there!”

 

Shmiel answers, “Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation.”

 

“So who is the Defence Minister?”

 

Shmiel says, “Peretz.”

 

“That old man is still alive?!” asks Sharon in wonderment.

 

Shmiel whispers trembling, “not Peres, Peretz. Amir Peretz.”

 

“What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute and you guys let a Labor leader take over the defence of the country?! Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything.”

 

“Sorry sir, Omri is on his way to jail.”

 

“Jail?? for that nonsense? I do not believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald.”

 

 Shmiel responds, Klagsbald is on his way to jail.”

 

Sharon calms down and says, “I knew I could count on Klagsbald. he will get Omri out of it.”

 

Shmiel corrects him and says, “No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident unintentionally running over and killing a young woman and her son.”

 

Sharon said, “So bring me [Avigdor] Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations.”

 

“Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time.”

 

“Can’t be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police.”

 

“Sorry, sir, but Karadi is under investigation for corruption.”

 

“Of course he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!”

 

“No, sir. This is an investigation against him!”

 

Sharon takes a deep breath. It can’t be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the minister of Internal Security, Tzachi [Hanegbi].”

 

“Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery and job fixing. He is not a minister anymore.”

 

“So get me the Justice Minister. Who did Olmert appoint?”

 

“Haim Ramon”

 

“So get him here!”

 

“Sorry sir. I can’t. He has been indicted and is on trial for sexual misconduct.”

 

“What? So get me the president. That is still Katzav, right?”

 

“Sorry sir, but Katzav is under investigation as well, for sexual misconduct AND wiretapping.”

 

“So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie [Moshe Ayalon]. Sorry I mean Halutz, right?”

 

“Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. he sold some stocks. He will soon be giving testimony to an investigative committee.”

 

“Halutz?? he was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!”

 

“Sir, that would be the second Lebanon War, it happened while you were sleeping. We… how should I say? lost the war but the Prime Minister said we should be patient, victory is coming.”

 

Sharon looked around his room. “What is your name and what is your position?”

 

“Shmiel, sir. I am a hospital attendant.”

 

“Ok, Shmiel. Do not tell anyone about this conversation.”

 

“You can count on me, sir.”

 

“I’m going back to sleep.”

About Aussie Dave

An Aussie immigrant to Israel, Aussie Dave is founder of Israellycool, one of the world's most popular pro-Israel blogs (and the one you are currently reading) He is a happy family man, and a lover of steak, Australian sports and girlie drinks

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