Israellycool

Today is Tisha Be’Av, the saddest day in the Jewish calendar. How sad? Well, here’s a sample of the tragedies that occurred on this day in history.

On a day such as this, it seems somehow appropriate to post about anti-Semitism.

A few weeks ago, Britain’s Channel 4 showed Richard Littlejohn’s documentary The War On Britain’s Jews, about the rise of anti-Semitism in Britain. In it, Richard showed how anti-Semitism in Britain is not just the province of the Far Right and Islamists, but also the Far Left.

Here’s the documentary in 6 parts. I highly recommend you watch it if you haven’t already (hat tip: Big Country).

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part4

Part 5

Part 6

Meet the Egyptian version of the Hatfields and McCoys.

Two families in the Upper Egyptian Qena province decided to settle a feud with blades, but no lives were lost in the cutting that followed.

Instead a family in Mahrousa village in western Qena held hostage a member of its rival family, shaved his moustache, beard, hair and eyebrows, then set him free.

Shortly afterwards, the family of the shaved man kidnapped a member of the other family and did the same to him. Then they celebrated their revenge by firing gunshots in the air.

A fight broke out between the two families until the police stepped in, arresting people and confiscating weapons.

The situation was resolved only when Qena governor, senior police officers, public leaders and parliamentarians interfered to bring about a reconciliation between the two sides, fearing the situation would have deteriorated.

Banners later appeared in the region with the slogan, ‘Take care of your moustache!’ In Upper Egypt, men consider their moustaches a mark of manhood and pride.

I guess in Upper Egypt, they haven’t yet been introduced to Hummers.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may want Israel wiped off the map, but he apparently has some use for us.

That little sucker his bodyguard is carrying is none other than a Zionist Death Gun^TM (Hat tip: Allison).

We were supposed to be travelling up north for a relaxing Sabbath, but after the car rear-ended us before the traffic circle barely 200 meters from our house, and my eldest complained that her back hurt her, it was clear it wasn’t going to happen.

Throw in a wife who’s pregnant (thus necessitating 24-hour supervision at the hospital), and you have all the ingredients for anything but a relaxing Sabbath.

On the positive side, we are all alive. And that is a huge positive.

I want to express my deepest gratitude to the Creator of the Universe for sparing us, my brother-in-law Eli and his wife Briana for all their help (including coming to the hospital to help, and hosting me and the kiddies for the entire Sabbath), as well as the ambulance team, and all the medical staff at Hadassah Ein Kerem for their professionalism.

And he also found time to drop in on Bashar “Dorktator” Assad.

It’s an evilfest!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Hizbullah  Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah  in Damascus on Thursday evening, according to the official Iranian news agency IRNA.

Ahmadinejad said during the meeting that “the Lebanese nation can thwart any plot through unity, solidarity and resistance.”

He congratulated Nasrallah for the anniversary of Hizbullah’s “victory” in the Second Lebanon War, saying that “thanks to the victory, while the Zionist regime is becoming weaker every day, Lebanon is enjoying internal serenity.”

In his meeting with Syrian President Bashar Assad, the Iranian president said that “Iran and Syria are allies and will remain allies.”

According to Ahmadinejad, Iran and Syria “are united against the enemies of the two countries and the region.”

Asked about the possibility of another war breaking out in the region, the Iranian president replied, “We hope the summer will bring victories to the region’s nations and failures to their enemies.” He refused to elaborate.

But he did place his pinky near his mouth.

Don’t believe me? How’s this for stereotypically evil.

Nasrallah allegedly entered Syria via an underground tunnel, the television channel said.

All that’s missing is the shark pool.

Meanwhile, Gorilla Boy promised things were going to heat up.

It’s going to be a “hot” summer in the Middle East, said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad following a surprise meeting with Hizbullah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah in Damascus on Thursday evening, Channel 10 reported.

Al Gore was unavailable for comment.

It’s a bird….it’s a plane…

No, it’s just some middle-aged Jewish guy with way too much time on his hands (hat tip: Jewschool).

Secret Identity
Ivan Wilzig
Recording artist & philanthropist
Age: 51

Super Powers
Flight, night vision, super-strength, enhanced senses. Uses his Star of David paddle to deflect any attack. As a direct descendant of King David, Mr. Mitzvah received the paddle (along with his superpowers) from his father on the day of his Bar Mitzvah; it was first given by God to David after he slew Goliath. Now Mr. Mitzvah uses it in his sacred mission to save the lives of children everywhere.

Vulnerability
Non-kosher foods (pork, lobster, shrimp)

Nemesis
Purveyors of hate

Catch Phrase
“Oy, vey!” and “Mazel tov!”

He’s just one contestant on a new “reality” (?) show in which each contestant begins with an original idea for a superhero, a self-made costume and their best superhero mojo. From thousands of hopefuls, Stan Lee chooses 11 lucky finalists, who move together into a secret lair. There they begin their transformations — and their competition for the opportunity to become real-life superheroes. Over the course of the series, they test their mettle, try to overcome their limitations and do what it takes to prove that they truly are super. a number of people make fools of themselves.

You want to look at real super heroes? Start with the brave men and women of the IDF, US army, and other heroic people fighting for the freedoms we hold so dear to us.

Mijovi?

Nope..it’s apparently his.

When it comes to energy drinks, rock star Jon Bon Jovi thinks an East Brunswick man gives coffee a bad name.

The Jersey rocker wants the owner of the Mijovi energy drink to change its name, arguing it is too similar to his famous moniker.

But Marcos Carrington says his coffee-based energy drink is named after his girlfriend, whose name is Jovita.

After Jon Bon Jovi, who lives in Middletown, saw a can of Mijovi for sale in a cafe in nearby Red Bank in January, his lawyers sent Carrington a letter demanding that he stop using the name Mijovi.

“It is just unfair,” Carrington, 37, told the Asbury Park Press for Thursday’s newspapers. “It is unfair because Mijovi has nothing to do with Bon Jovi.”

A spokeswoman for Bon Jovi declined comment when contacted by the newspaper.

Carrington said he started Mijovi in August 2004 as a way to raise funds for an environmental consulting business.

He said there were no coffee-based energy drinks even though coffee is one of the best-selling beverages in the U.S. Working with a flavor company, he developed Mijovi, a coffee drink that contains Taurine, B-vitamins and caffeine.

Sounds like Jon Bon Jovi might be a bit unreasonable. Or is he?

In a Jan. 22 letter, Los Angeles lawyer Peter Laird, representing Bon Jovi, objected to the word “Mijovi” as well as other words “itsmijovi” and “itsmilife” that appear in the company’s marketing materials and on the can. Rather than use Carrington’s spelling, the letter used the phrases, “It’s My Jovi” and “It’s My Life.”

“As you should be aware, one of Bon Jovi’s most popular songs is entitled “It’s My Life,” the letter states. “We hereby demand that you immediately cease and desist all further use of the name “Mijovi’ and “It’s My Life.’ ”

But Carrington said the words “itsmijovi” and “itsmilife” are meant to mean “it’s my jovial life.” The full phrase on the can is “itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife.”

Now I’m beginning to smell opportunism in the air.

At any rate, if Mr Carrington has trouble finding a new name for his energy drink, he can always ask Steven Seagal for advice.

Someone please tell me this is a joke.

Nelson Mandela and five other senior statesmen will today form themselves into a team of international troubleshooters called “The Elders”.

The initiative, funded by Sir Richard Branson, will be launched in Johannesburg during celebrations marking Mr Mandela’s 89th birthday.

The former South African president, who spent 27 years behind bars during the apartheid era, is a figure with unparalleled moral authority.

The idea is that he will team up with Jimmy Carter, the former US president, Kofi Annan, the former United Nations secretary-general, Mary Robinson, the former Irish president, Desmond Tutu, the Archbishop Emeritus of Cape Town and Mohammed Yunus, the Nobel Laureate and founder of the Green Bank in Bangladesh.

Kind of like a geriatric version of the A-Team. And I’m sure you can all work out what the “A” stands for (clue: think Andy Dick).

The membership of The Elders has been carefully chosen. Each one is a non-partisan figure with a rolodex packed with international contacts.

Meryl has already articulated what I wanted to say:

Mary Robinson, who led the UN Human Rights Commission during the infamous Durban conference: Anti-Israel. Anti-Israel. Anti-Israel.

Jimmy Carter, whose latest anti-Israel screed is a best-seller: Anti-Israel. Anti-Israel. Anti-Israel (I’ll add anti-Semitic - Aussie Dave.)

Nelson Mandela, who never met a Palestinian terrorist he didn’t like: Anti-Israel. Anti-American.

Desmond Tutu, who thinks all the world’s problems can be traced to the U.S. and Israel: Anti-Israel. Anti-Israel. Anti-Semitic?

Non-partisan my ass.

But it gets better.

“This group can speak freely and boldly, working both publicly and behind the scenes on whatever actions need to be taken,” said Mr Mandela in a statement.

“Together we will work to support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict, and inspire hope where there is despair.”

Oh please.

Sir Richard Branson cited hostage situations in Nigeria as an example of where The Elders could intervene.

During the build-up to the war in Iraq in 2003, Sir Richard persuaded Mr Mandela and Mr Annan to agree to travel to Baghdad and persuade Saddam Hussein to leave the country peacefully.

But the war began before the idea could get off the ground. Mr Mandela, who enters his ninth decade today, no longer travels outside South Africa and very rarely speaks in public.

He is unlikely to be an active, travelling member of the club. Instead, he is more likely to be an elder figurehead of an elderly group.

At least they are not likely to be around too long.

I just lovitz:

Two of America’s most famous “geek” comedians, Saturday Night Live stars Jon Lovitz and Andy Dick, have brawled in an LA comedy club over the decade-old shooting death of fellow comedian Phil Hartman.

The fight occurred at the Laugh Factory, Hollywood, this month and was witnessed by club owner Jamie Masada.

“Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose,” Masada told a US newspaper.

Lovitz, however, is unrepentant about the bashing.

“All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is an asshole,” he said.

Being a comedian, I would have thought he would have made more use of his adversary’s surname. But then again, that would be obvious. Besides, by all accounts, a**hole is a more fitting description.

According to US media, Lovitz and Dick have been feuding ever since Dick allegedly reintroduced Hartman’s wife Brynn to cocaine at a 1997 Christmas party. She had been off drugs for 10 years before that.

“Phil was furious about it - and then five months later he’s dead,” said Lovitz.

Five months after the Christmas party Brynn shot Hartman dead, and then turned the gun on herself in one of the US entertainment’s industries most shocking killings.

Lovitz went on to claim the feud reignited last year when he was at a bar in Hollywood. Dick had approached his table and downed Lovitz’s guests’ peach liqueur drinks.

He then turned to Lovitz and said “I put the ‘Phil Hartman hex’ on you - you’re the next one to die.”

Lovitz was furious. “I wanted to punch his face in, but I don’t hit women,” he said.

Nope. He just picks them up by the head and smashes them into bars.

Then when the two ran into each other last Wednesday at the Laugh Factory, tensions boiled over.

“I wanted him to say he was sorry for the ‘Phil Hartman hex’,” Lovitz said.

“First he says, ‘I don’t remember saying that.’ Then he leans in and says, ‘You know why I said it? Because you said I killed Phil Hartman.’ Which I never said. Then he asked me to be in his new movie.

“I grabbed him by the shirt and leaned him over and said, ‘I don’t want to be in your movie! I don’t want to be in your life!’

“I pushed him against the rail. Then I pushed him again really hard. A security guard broke it up. I’m not proud of it … but he’s a disgusting human being.”

Dick, who is well known in the industry for bizarre behaviour including licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt at a comedy event last year, had no comment on the incident.

Meanwhile, I still scratch my head at the thought that Phil Hartman is dead, and Andy Dick - despite his decadent, drug-fuelled lifestyle - is alive.

Update: This excerpts from a 1998 Salon interview with Dick should indicate his depravity.

Was Phil Hartman a “father figure” for you?

Yeah. He was the kindest man. I wanted to emulate him. He had this family, everything was ideal. But look what happened.

Well, what did happen?

Just another addiction gone astray.

Update: My favority title for this incident: Jon Lovitz Opens Can of Whoop Ass on Andy Dick

Update: Jon Lovitz recounts the incident on The Dennis Miller Show (via: TMZ).

This blog will be on temporary hiatus within the next 24 hours while it is migrated to Wordpress.

And then it’ll be back better than ever.

If I have anything to say, I’ll post it on my backup blog at http://israellycool.blogspot.com.

Thanks for your patience.

Police in Iran are reported to have taken 14 squirrels into custody - because they are suspected of spying.

 

Britain’s latest secret weapon? The rodents were found near the Iranian border allegedly equipped with eavesdropping devices.

 

The reports have come from the official Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA).

 

When asked about the confiscation of the spy squirrels, the national police chief said: “I have heard about it, but I do not have precise information.”

 

The IRNA said that the squirrels were kitted out by foreign intelligence services - but they were captured two weeks ago by police officers.

 

A Foreign Office source told Sky News: “The story is nuts.”