Israellycool

If Arik (Sharon) woke up today….

 

It is a rainy night and we are at Tel Hashomer Hospital. Only one assistant is around, named Shmiel. He is on night duty tonight in the room of “sleeping” former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.

 

Everybody, but Sharon himself, knows he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel. Shmiel is sitting peeling an apple and G the Israeli Secret Service (Shabak) agent is nodding off.

 

Suddenly, all the machines start to beep. The PM is waking up!

 

Sharon says, “I haven’t slept like that for a long time! Get me my strategist, Reuven Adler, I have some ideas for a new direction.”

 

Shmiel says, “Good morning, sir. How do you feel?”

 

Sharon answers, “I am dying of hunger. Where am I?”

 

The Shabak agent continues to sleep while Shmiel explains to Sharon what had happened to him.

 

Sharon does not take him seriously and says, “So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh Shmiel?”

 

Shmiel says, “Sorry sir but you are really no longer the PM.”

 

After a few minutes Sharon asks, “So who replaced me?”

 

Shmiel answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

 

Sharon reacts, “Olmert? That Jerusalemite putz? What will happen if war breaks out, he does not know how to run the army! At least Shaul [Mofaz] is still there!”

 

Shmiel answers, “Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation.”

 

“So who is the Defence Minister?”

 

Shmiel says, “Peretz.”

 

“That old man is still alive?!” asks Sharon in wonderment.

 

Shmiel whispers trembling, “not Peres, Peretz. Amir Peretz.”

 

“What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute and you guys let a Labor leader take over the defence of the country?! Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything.”

 

“Sorry sir, Omri is on his way to jail.”

 

“Jail?? for that nonsense? I do not believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald.”

 

 Shmiel responds, Klagsbald is on his way to jail.”

 

Sharon calms down and says, “I knew I could count on Klagsbald. he will get Omri out of it.”

 

Shmiel corrects him and says, “No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident unintentionally running over and killing a young woman and her son.”

 

Sharon said, “So bring me [Avigdor] Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations.”

 

“Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time.”

 

“Can’t be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police.”

 

“Sorry, sir, but Karadi is under investigation for corruption.”

 

“Of course he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!”

 

“No, sir. This is an investigation against him!”

 

Sharon takes a deep breath. It can’t be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the minister of Internal Security, Tzachi [Hanegbi].”

 

“Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery and job fixing. He is not a minister anymore.”

 

“So get me the Justice Minister. Who did Olmert appoint?”

 

“Haim Ramon”

 

“So get him here!”

 

“Sorry sir. I can’t. He has been indicted and is on trial for sexual misconduct.”

 

“What? So get me the president. That is still Katzav, right?”

 

“Sorry sir, but Katzav is under investigation as well, for sexual misconduct AND wiretapping.”

 

“So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie [Moshe Ayalon]. Sorry I mean Halutz, right?”

 

“Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. he sold some stocks. He will soon be giving testimony to an investigative committee.”

 

“Halutz?? he was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!”

 

“Sir, that would be the second Lebanon War, it happened while you were sleeping. We… how should I say? lost the war but the Prime Minister said we should be patient, victory is coming.”

 

Sharon looked around his room. “What is your name and what is your position?”

 

“Shmiel, sir. I am a hospital attendant.”

 

“Ok, Shmiel. Do not tell anyone about this conversation.”

 

“You can count on me, sir.”

 

“I’m going back to sleep.”

Forget the anti-Semitic jokes, it’s the racy publicity for the film “Borat” that bothers Israel’s censors.

 

Posters showing comedian Sacha Baron Cohen’s boorish Kazakh alter ego in a skimpy posing pouch were scrapped in the Jewish state on the grounds of decency, the newspaper Haaretz reported on Tuesday.

 

Instead, the star will be shown wearing his trademark suit.

In a precedent-setting ruling, the High Court of Justice on Tuesday ruled that five gay couples wedded outside of Israel can be registered as married couples, Army Radio reported.

 

A sweeping majority of six Justices in favor and one against ruled that the common-law marriages of five gay couples obtained in Toronto, Canada, can appear as married on the population registry.

Reuters reports:

Miss Israel has been given permission not to carry her assault rifle during service in the Israeli army because she says it bruises her legs.

Reigning beauty queen Yael Nezri, a private who recently completed basic training, said the bruises were making it difficult for her to model in photo shoots.

The Jerusalem Post reported that Nezri, 18, had been granted an exemption by her commanders during her two-year army stint.

Just when you thought you’d heard it all, along come circumcision pirates (hat tip: Jewlicious).

A group of haredi extremists suspected of being part of a pirate circumcision network that carried out illegal circumcisions on dozens of Russian teenagers in Jerusalem has fled the country and remains at large, police said Monday.

 

The haredi zealots allegedly performed the illicit circumcisions on the 16-17-year-old youths in a private city apartment in exchange for presents and without the consent of their parents.

 

The affair came to light after the mother of one of the teens discovered what had happened to her 16-year-old son and filed a complaint with police, Jerusalem police spokeswoman Sigal Toledo said.

 

Jerusalem police subsequently raided a city apartment where the suspects allegedly carried out the circumcisions, but the suspects had already fled the country, she said.

 

According to police, the alleged cell leaders would solicit teens, most of whom were Russian-born and had not undergone circumcision as babies, in schools outside of Jerusalem and cajole them into undertaking the operation in exchange for gifts.

 

They would then be driven to Jerusalem during the night for the operation.

 

The complainant gave police a copy of a videotape she found in her son’s room, in which the whole illegal circumcision procedure was documented.

 

Police said the circumcisions were carried out in the apartment without basic sanitary conditions.

“Jerusalem. There is no such city!” the Jerusalem municipality said in the English-language version of a sightseeing brochure it had published originally in Hebrew.

 

The correct translation: “Jerusalem. There is no city like it!”

 

Carrying a photograph of the brochure, Israel’s Maariv newspaper said on Wednesday tens of thousands of flyers had been distributed before city hall realised its mistake.

Here in Israel, the sombre mood of Remembrance Day (Yom Hazikaron) has just given way to the festivities of Independence Day* (Yom Ha’atzmaut).

And that is the best reply to this despicable post by some Arab Americans (designed to denigrate Israel and those who have fallen protecting her civilians from the countless attacks at the hands of our enemies). We have an independent, prosperous State, and we are not going away (or read ck’s response - he articulates it better than me).

I plan on celebrating the way I do every year - BBQ overload! We are going to some friends for a BBQ tonight, and then off on a hike/BBQ tomorrow. So blogging will be light (or non-existent) tomorrow.

* Hence the Will Smith photo. Do I have to explain everything?!

Religious dispute in Jerusalem: Dozens of riled up ultra-orthodox broke into a Jerusalem internet cafÈ Monday, broke the doors and shattered the computers, claiming the place incites the haredi community to commit sins.

Yigal Amir and Larissa Trimbobler were caught trying to smuggle semen out of prison, in a pirate attempt to advance the artificial insemination process granted to them.

 

After receiving authorization to bring a child into the world through artificial insemination, prison staff found a bag containing Amir’s semen during a visit Trimbobler. The visit was stopped immediately and Trimbobler was removed from the prison.

 

Earlier, the couple received approval in principle to carry out artificial insemination, but it seems that the couple couldn’t restrain themselves and wait for the Prisons Authority to allow them to carry out the insemination process.

 

Trimbobler arrived at the prison in the morning and two began to ‘advance the idea’ independently.

 

The plan was apparently premeditated, and Trimbobler hid the bag in a test tube she brought with her, hidden among her belongings. A search by the prison’s staff uncovered however uncovered the test tube before she met with Amir.

 

Despite the find, the visit was allowed to go ahead, but after Trimbobler entered Amir’s cell, prison guards noticed that he gave her a bag. Staff members ended the visit, and found that the bag contained Amir’s semen.

The bag was confiscated, and Larissa was taken out of the cell.

 

Prisons Authority Spokesman Ofer Lefler said in response: “Until the medical procedure is not completed in accordance with the judicial department, the transfer of semen will not be allowed.”

Yigal Amir is a wanker.

McDonald’s has undergone a facelift in Israel, with a couple of branches in Tel Aviv adopting new colors in an attempt to make a distinction between the kosher and non-kosher branches.

Under pressure from the city’s chief rabbi, two Tel Aviv branches of the fast food firm McDonald’s have changed the color of their trademark signs to assure diners that their burgers and fries are kosher.

In a first for McDonald’s Corp., the golden arches at the two branches have new blue backgrounds, replacing the trademark red ones. The new signs also display the word “kosher,” both in Hebrew and English.

The changes were made after Tel Aviv’s chief Rabbi, Israel Meir Lau, demanded that a distinction be made.

“I was worried people would be confused, especially tourists who do not know Hebrew,” Lau said.

“Blue is the sky, blue is the flag of Israel and blue is not red,” Lau said. “There must be a clear and sharp difference.”

I think it’s a great idea. The new look will clearly inform people that the food is kosher, and the McDonalds sign will inform people that the food is unhealthy and tastes aweful.

Be that as it may, I would suggest some further changes for the kosher branches.

1. Change the logo from

to

2. Get rid of Ronald and bring in a Jewish clown, such as:

or

Maori politicians and health advocates are outraged that a tobacco company named a brand of cigarettes Maori Mix.

 

The Maori Smokefree Coalition (Te Reo Marama) said Philip Morris was marketing a brand of cigarettes called Maori Mix in Israel. The box featured a quasi Maori design and a map of New Zealand.

 

Te Reo Marama spokesman Shane Bradbrook said the use of the Maori name and the image was a defilement and unbelievable considering the high smoking rate among Maori.

 

“Would we have them here and call them Jewish Mix? It would be as offensive to the people in Israel as it is offensive for Maori.”

Maori Party co-leader Pita Sharples was disgusted by the marketing ploy.

 

“My reaction was an immediate affront that our name would be mixed up with an addiction which has reached what you could say are epidemic proportions among our people,” Dr Sharples said.