Here are some great one-liners from Steven Wright, a very funny guy indeed:
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”