Jeremy Corbyn has recently declared that now is the time to negotiate with ISIS. Upon hearing this news I quickly called up my old friend Dr. Emmett Brown and travelled into the future in his 1985 DeLorean and transcribed the future negotiation between the UK Labour Party and ISIS. Here it is.
Corbyn: Gentlemen, thank you for accepting our invitation for negotiations, I believe that we can reach a common understanding that will produce a peaceful outcome for all of us.
ISIS: Allahu ackbar
Corbyn: Yes, Allahu ackbar indeed. Shall we begin?
ISIS: Yes. These are our demands:
- The infidels shall convert to Islam or die.
- An Islamic caliphate to rule all of Europe.
Corbyn: …. aaaaand?
Corbyn: Very well, do you believe there is any way we can compromise on this demand?
Corbyn: OK, we have a number of racist people in our country who feel that Islam is not the best choice for a religion… I know racist right? Anyway, they may be less inclined to..
ISIS: (slowly unsheathes a large knife)
Corbyn: Oh woah woah ok… I’ll see what I can do.
ISIS: (pulls out large knife and points it at Corbyn)
Corbyn: OK OK, agreed. … wait… if someone chooses not to convert what if we can agree on a kind of… compensation.
ISIS: (talks amongst themselves) … compensation? Money? He’s talking about Jizya. Ahh yes Jizya!
(to Corbyn) we may consider this Jizya.
Corbyn: Ah great I see we’re making great progress.
ISIS: But only if…
Corbyn: … if what?
ISIS: Our second demand is met.
Corbyn: You mean.. the uh… European-wide Islamic Sharia enforced caliphate?
Corbyn: Oh yes of course. Anyone who doesn’t agree to this is a racist Islamophobe. Wait a second, why did you bring large knives into the negotiating room?
Corbyn: Never mind, let’s proceed. So far we agreed to the following terms:
- We give ISIS to Europe to rule
- We all convert to Islam
- Those who do not convert will pay a “Jizya” based on a percentage of their income.
Did we discuss a percentage yet?
Corbyn: I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch th…
ISIS: (Brandishes knife)
Corbyn: One hundred percent.
OK. So we are in agreement. We have a solid arrangement here and if anyone disagrees they are a racist Islamophobe.
(All parties sign agreement)
Excellent work gentlemen. By tomorrow, we will all be Shi’ite Muslims!
(ISIS decapitates Corbyn)