Jews and Arabs: Lost in Translation

Jews: the Palestinians just want a state. It’s not fair that so many had to leave their homes in 1948, we feel their pain, we too had to leave our homes in Europe and the Arab world. So maybe let’s divide the land in two, give them a state and us a state. Then they’ll have a place to go and stop trying to destroy us.

Arabs: If the Jews are so eager to give away land they claim is theirs, it’s probably not theirs to begin with. More proof they are just western colonisers posing as indigenous who don’t belong in the region at all. Let’s restore it to its rightful owners: us. If it was really their land they would fight tooth and nail to keep it.

Jews: The Arabs are a minority. It’s hard being a minority. We know what it’s like. We’ve been there. So to compensate for their minority status and the inherent disadvantages it brings, let’s say the Arabs don’t have to serve in the army, and get free college education. We will also let their clan leaders lead their villages and turn a blind eye to the corruption that goes on that they blame on us, because it’s what they want so who are we to intervene? Full freedom of religion? Yup, that’s a given. We are also going to treat Arabs even outside Israel – in the Palestinian Territories – in our hospitals for free, because we value life above all else.

Arabs: the fact that they’re bending over backwards to give us all these advantages must mean we indeed are superior in the eyes of Allah and they must feel guilty deep down for colonizing us. Let’s keep complaining about how terrible things are and hopefully we will get more benefits, and enough power to take back the land that is ours.

Jews: what’s with all these terror attacks? If only they could just leave us alone and let us live our lives in peace, then we would trust them enough to take down the checkpoints, the blockade, and all the other stuff they complain about.

Arabs: how dare these dhimmis subject us to such distrust? They are supposed to be beneath us, this whole setup is against the will of Allah as written in the Quran! We must do something to stop it. We must make the Jewish colonial enterprise so unbearable that they run screaming with their hands over their heads, and thus we shall rise again!

Jews: maybe if we just give them more of what they want they’ll just leave us alone? All we want is a land to call our own, even if it’s smaller, on our ancestral homeland. The ones the Arab colonisers took from us. If giving them our land will bring us peace, it’s more than worth it. Land is land. Peace is worth it.

Arabs: well okay so here we are. We lost a few wars. I don’t understand, I thought Allah was on our side and dhimmi Jews were supposed to be weak! So we are going to have to play their game, the negotiation game. Give them an offer they can’t refuse, with a Trojan horse of course, that will help us dismantle the state when they least expect it!

Jews: nice try, guys. You thought you could put it past us. Right of return for all Palestinian Arabs to Israel? Oh, you mean demographic suicide? And unlimited weapons imports? I know every country has the right to an army but we have the right to exist, so like Japan after WWII you’re going to have to suffer for being warmongering asshats who use every bit of autonomy you get to take us down. I mean burning down greenhouses in Gaza because they’re Jewish-built? Really?

Arabs: I don’t need your stupid greenhouses. I want to rebuild an empire and greenhouses aren’t going to help with that. And besides, if we use your technology we acknowledge that you are better than us in that respect and we simply cannot deal with this constant reminder of Israel’s technological prowess. So yes, we would rather live a lower quality of life if it means we can get at least some of our honor back that you colonisers stole from us when you defeated us in 1948 and in the years since then.

Jews: really? You’re gonna destroy the greenhouses we built as a peace offering and build a terror enclave instead of a state when we pulled out of Gaza? You don’t want a state, you just want to destroy ours! Well you know what, screw you and your two state nonsense. We’ve given you enough chances and all you do is try to screw us. We are so done!!!

Arabs: LOL.

Jews: 1937, 1947, 1967, 2000, 2008…. yeah, we’re not gonna make the same mistake again. The ball is in your court now, Palestinians, but do know that if you try to crush us we will crush you back so bad you will wish you had all had run off to Jordan in the first place and never come back.

Arabs: lol they think we are Palestinians omg, we started calling ourselves that when the PLO told us to when it was founded in 1964, in EGYPT. It made us the underdog in like 3 seconds lol it was so genius, suddenly everyone felt sorry for us even though most of us chose to leave. Gotta change with the times! Haha can’t believe how easy it is to literally change history. Jews might be strong but wow are they ever dumb.

Jews: so what do we do? Put “Palestinian” in quotation marks?

Arabs: no dude, that will just make you look like an asshat, we have you cornered hahaha!

Jews: you say nonsense like this one more time and I’ll bomb your headquarters and you’ll regret ever inventing a fake nationality to screw us.

Arabs: try us. We’ll just operate our HQ out of hospitals or daycares or mosques or something, and then we’ll legit get to argue that you’re genocidal baby killers and then everyone will hate you. Oh what am I saying? You wouldn’t even shoot if there are innocent people around.

Jews: True.

Arabs: ok problem solved

Jews: ok then maybe we’ll just throw pamphlets.

Arabs: k, lol.



Lex is a trained comedy actor who is Montreal's second-favourite export aside from poutine.