Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.
Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.
Kerry: (Checking his Phone) I need to call my friend Javad. I hope this doesn’t affect our plans to meet in Montreux in February. Teresa would be none too happy.
Former National Security Advisor Susan Rice: Maybe we could change the subject to something completely unrelated that we hate about Trump….. like the Trump Administration’s tighter visa controls!
Former Ambassador Samantha Power: (Tweeting) Way ahead of you.
Former Deputy National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes: (Walks In) Sorry guys, I was busy trashing the reputation of a journalist at Politico who said the Obama Administration shut down an investigation into Hezbollah’s drug trafficking. Did I miss anything?
Obama: Good job Ben, but we’re going to need you to work the Echo Chamber even harder. Have you called Reuters?
Rhodes: Yes, Mr. President. They just posted a story titled “Iran Treads Cautiously” on the same day they killed a dozen protesters.
Obama: OK, Good. Good. How about the New York Times?
Rhodes: Not much from the Times. Their lead reporter for Iran spent the first week of the protests on vacation in Japan. [Editors Note: This really happened!]
Rice: (Looks Around) Has anyone heard from Margot Wallstrom?
(The Room bursts out in laughter)
Obama: OK that’s dumb even for us… I’m afraid we need to take drastic measures.
Clinton: You mean contact the EU?
Obama: Even more drastic. We need to send Iran $1.7 Billion stacked on pallets.
Power: Wait. Just got a memo. It appears we’re no longer in power!
(The room gasps in astonishment)
Power: Yes. It’s almost as if our lack of moral backbone and craven hypocrisy were so bad that it drove millions of regular people to vote for a bombastic reality show host with funny hair. And somehow this bombastic reality show host is actually tweeting far more sensibly than we are on the Iran protests.
Rhodes: OMG I feel so….. Triggered.
(Fade to Black)