“Ariel Gold Breaks Quarantine With the Voices in Her Head”

SCENE: The Middle Eastern Foods Aisle at a Wegmans in Ithaca, New York. Ariel Gold is in Deep Thought near the hummus section…..

Voice #1: Wait, Sabra Hummus? I just can’t even. This is a Hate Crime!

Voice #2: You know, I’m somewhat of a Middle East Expert. In fact, I just returned from a trip to Iran!  Did you know there are Menorahs there with 18 candles? I know! Mind. Blown.

Voice #3: Oy vey ist mir! What is this meshugeneh?

Voice #4: You’re using the Yiddish incorrectly.

Voice #3: HELLOOOO! I learned it from my Bubbe, OK? She’s the one who gave me my Yiddish name: Shmendrick!

Voice #5: O. M. G. Did you see Hen Mazzig posted another shirtless selfie? Like, Thanks but No Thanks, right?

Voice #6: Then why is it the wallpaper on your phone?

Voice #5: Umm, why is the Ayatollah Khameini your screensaver?

Voice #1: OK, Enough. Code Pink is having a Zoom Meeting tomorrow so we need to stop at TJ Maxx on the way home for a cute top.

Voice #2: What about the tank top we wore at the Kotel?

Voice #4: No, this is more business casual. Maybe something like we wore for the selfie with Neteurei Karta?

Voice #7: I swear, ever since the rise of Trump, it has been impossible to find decent clothes.


Voice #7: My Bubbe wanted me to vote for Bernie.

Voice #2: Maybe we should move this conversation to Zoom.

Voice#1: Good Idea. Shabbat Shalom to Everyone except Ben Shapiro.


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