Michael Chabon Revisits the Story of Abraham

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[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

Stranger: I am Michael. Of the Chaboneans. I’ve written a few novels that you may have heard of. Yiddish Policeman’s Union? Ringing a bell?

Abram: What’s a novel?

Michael: It’s like the Epic of Gilgamesh. Only more pretentious……Let’s put the idols back together. I mean, all your ideas about “Monotheism” and “God”…. do you think you’re better than the Chaldeans or something? Maybe you can try to be more like them, you know, get off your high horse a bit.

Abram: (Deadpans) The Chaldeans worship action figures. Like ComicCon only slightly less dorkish.

Michael: Ohhhh Monotheism! Edgy! But have you really given polytheism a shot? Let me ask you this, how about Ishtar? She’s kinda cool in a nature-1970’s-Stevie-Nicks-during-her-gypsy-and-bandanas-phase-hippie-chick. How about her? Or Marduk? Thunder! Who doesn’t love thunder? Boom! It’s loud!

Abram: There is One G-d. There is none else.

Michael: But Instead of one God, you can have a bunch of Gods! Just really cover all the bases, you know?

[Suddenly, an older man enters the room.]

Tera: (Voice booming with anger) Abram! Who destroyed these idols?

Michael: (pointing at Abram) He did it.

Abram: You are such a snitch.

[Fade to Black]

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