How To Be An Effective Jew Hater (“Peace Activist”)

joe catron ismI believe that most reasonable people, if asked, would say that they believed in human rights, and in the protection of human rights – but what does that mean? A declaration of support of human rights, something that used to seem so basic, has grown confusing. People used to be able to simply look at the news and choose a cause that resonated with them, and then start advocating for that cause. If that cause had merit, then it would draw followers and supporters and away you went.

Remember Free Tibet? We could go back even further (perhaps before you and I were even born!) and talk about Biafra. If you’re Canadian, you may remember Oka. If you’re American, you’ve learned about Wounded Knee. The world came together to talk about an end to South African Apartheid, and together we celebrated the dismantling of the Berlin Wall. All very valid causes, all meriting support, and all very intuitive. Who doesn’t love freedom? Who – other than white supremacists – believes that only white people should be in charge? Who actually supports oppression?

But you are here for a different reason, and let’s be honest just for a minute. You just don’t like Jews. I mean, I get it, they are so annoying, with their stupid Nobel prizes, their tight-knit communities, their penchant for sticking together, beating the odds, and reclaiming their ancestral lands. If you want a focus for an irrational hatred, it may as well be those guys. I heard that they killed Jesus too, you know. For 2,000 years, all they had to do to stop being oppressed was just give up and assimilate, but they refused because they are stubborn and evil. Think about it – why wouldn’t someone want to be exactly like us? Our culture and religion is better than theirs, and seriously what’s with not converting people to Judaism? If their stupid religion was worthwhile they would force others to become Jews too, wouldn’t they? There are a few proselytizers out there – but not Jews.
Your first job as an effective Jew hater is to join a cause that allows Jew hate and encourages it, while offering the veneer of human rights activism, the best one for this is the “pro-Palestinian/anti-Israel cause.” This has a few advantages, not the least of which is that you can sometimes let the mask slip; say ridiculously anti-Semitic things then hide it behind the “outrage” against those stupid Jews being Jews in their stupid Jewish homeland.

david sheen max blumenthalIt’s a fact that even if Jews aren’t actually doing anything for us to protest, we can just make something up, and people will buy it, no matter how ridiculous it is. You don’t even have to learn anything, just go buy a white and black checkered scarf and remember to talk about the Occupation a lot. The other advantage of this “cause” is that you can get Jews who hate themselves and Jews who love themselves too much to side with you in getting people to hate Jews. Just remember one thing: anything that is anti-Jewish can also be anti-Zionist, but more on that later. The other and more important factor is that if you are a pro-Palestinian – and even better – anti-Israel activist, you don’t have to pay attention to any human rights abuses anywhere else, even if they involve Palestinians! Assad in Syria is starving Palestinians? Don’t care. King of Jordan doesn’t let Palestinians vote? Don’t care. No Jews? It’s not news.

So here’s your nifty road map to a career in anti-Judaism, antisemitism, and anti-Zionism: Don’t start screaming about the evil Jews immediately! That’s right – you’ve got to build up to that. Otherwise, it just makes you look crazy and if you want to be an effective Jew hater you have to be smarter than that. For starters, whenever you can, replace the word Jew with Zionist. Don’t worry, because people who matter will know exactly who you are talking about (and so will those Jews). You can use words like Zionazi, Ziobot, and stuff like that, too. If you can work “Nazism” into your speech, it’s gold, because it attacks those Jews (Oops! I mean, of course, Zionists!) on an emotional level while at the very same time entirely delegitimising them. I know you would rather just do stuff to kill Jews right now, but this is a long-term plan so be patient.
Now that you have that out of the way, it’s time for the next step.

Join clubs, and always  make sure that everyone in that club knows what a rebel you are by wearing a keffiyeh (that black and white scarf you bought earlier) and talking about The Occupation. And remember, it’s not a preoccupation with the occupation – it’s about you being a tragic figure who supports other causes, even though your cause is being entirely ignored (no matter how often you talk about it). Good clubs to join include those having to do with minorities. The gays are a good bet too, as long as you’re certain that the conversation never gets around to the fact that the same people who hate and want to kill the Jews are often those who also hate and want to kill the gays. When at club meetings, do your best to stand out – after all, it’s not about their stupid cause (their cause is secondary to yours), but rather about yours – which is, in a nutshell, to cause Jew hate.

atzmon abunimahHow should you act on social media? Not to worry, because nobody pays attention to Jew hate on there. You can tweet about how Zionism makes antisemitism honorable like the paragon of free speech and academic freedom, Steven Salaita. You might sacrifice your career here, but universities in the Middle East will hire you anyway (bonus: you can go on a speaking tour and get famous!). Share cartoons and memes showing hook-nosed and curly haired Zionists, and don’t worry about Facebook, because the social media behemoth doesn’t care about anti-Zionism (even when it goes by page names such as “Stab the Jews”). You can even start pages called “Die Dirty Israel Die,” and this will not go against Facebook’s mysterious “community standards!” If someone calls you out for anything you write, scream about academic freedom and free speech – it seems that we’ve forgotten what those things really mean, anyway. Also, post anything from Electronic Intifada, even if it’s already been dis-proven, because there will always be at least two idiots who haven’t seen it and who are just savvy enough to share it on their own social media pages. Naturally, if someone argues with you, you block them (following some judicious name calling). They don’t deserve free speech anyway, Stupid people who think Jews are the same as us.

Speaking of speech, learn the lingo. Never say, “I’m just here for the Jew hate,” because that will make people uncomfortable. Rather, you should always say, “I am against oppression and colonialism, and the Jews are the worst because …Palestinians.” Always say ” I just want everyone to be equal,” Nobody will examining anything you say after that. You don’t need to worry about the whole Arab colonialism thing, because nobody ever pays attention anyway. If anyone brings it up, just talk about The Occupation some more. This way, you can hide among actual human rights activists without being caught out! Clever, eh?

Another great word set is “Justice and Peace,” because you know you don’t really want peace – real peace would mean no more free reign for Jew hate, after all. So if someone starts talking about Peace you say, “No peace without justice.” If they start talking about justice, you say, “All we want is peace!” That way, nobody ever gets to say anything that you cannot refute. Very strategic move. You can throw in a few “fight the power”-type slogans to get them onside with you too. This will require that you completely ignore the fact that there are billions of Muslims and only a few million Jews. As soon as you can conflate their cause with “human rights” (by which we mean, of course, human rights for everyone but Jews), you will be well on your way.

Hitler would be proud, and now you are a human rights activist, not just a regular Jew hater, but a much more effective one.

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Ryan Bellerose

A member of the indigenous Metis people, Ryan grew up in the far north of Alberta, Canada with no power nor running water. In his free time, Ryan plays Canadian Rules Football, reads books, does advocacy work for indigenous people and does not live in an Igloo.