Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.
“So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.”
The Daily Freier asked Ahed to describe this prison. “Well, it wasn’t like doing time in the Zionist Entity, let me tell you. No parties. No hair braiding and talking about cute boy bands. No singing. I didn’t get to study for my High School Examinations. I guess the only upside is that unlike jail in ‘Israel’, I didn’t have to worry about gaining weight. But one bowl of porridge and a slice of stale bread a day will do that for you.”
Ahed then talked about another weird aspect of her dreams: she wasn’t featured in any magazines. “Yeah, isn’t that strange? It’s almost as if the Arab and Muslim and Woke worlds only cared about me when I was in an Israeli prison.” The Daily Freier asked Ahed what it was like in real life to be on the cover of fashion magazines. “It was great to be in Vogue and all. I mean, they usually interview really famous people like Bashar Assad’s wife Asma…. I hear that next month Vogue is bringing Asma back to share her secret recipe for an amazing household potpourri that totally masks the smell of chlorine gas on your husband’s work clothes.”
Ahed continued. “So in this dream, Real Madrid didn’t give me a jersey when I got out of the Arab prison…. come to think of it, in my dream I never get out of prison. Also, I never got an annoying nickname like “Shirley Temper” because my identity was stricken from the population registry when the government made me disappear.” The Daily Freier asked Shirley Temper where she heard about the nickname Shirley Temper. “I dunno I read it in some right-wing Israeli blog, but I forgot their name. Don’t they sometimes publish the Daily Freier?”
The Daily Freier asked Ahed for any closing thoughts. “Yeah, if you’re going to slap a soldier in your dream, make sure he speaks Hebrew first. Trust me.”