President Trump Unveils Middle East Peace Plan (Satire)

President Trump: “My fellow Americans and people of the Trumpophobic world, my stable genius has finally managed to make the Middle East more stable. I am proud to finally present the Trump Middle East Peace Plan. It is here in my hand…“Defeat Loser Pocahontas Battle Plan 2020”….wrong document.”

“Believe me, the Middle East is a horrible place, filled with shithole….Shite and Sunni countries. Personally, I prefer Sushi but it is ok. Most of the despots are unstable psychopath butchers – total losers, probably secret Bernie Chelmers supporters. Time has come to finally make peace between PLO and Hamas. Great guys killing each other and thereby doing an amazing job to clean up our planet from Jihad waste.”

“To honor Christmas, PLO and Hamas have agreed to a ceasefire until after the holiday. You know how much Muslims love Christmas. Hamas has even agreed to create an amazing Christmas atmosphere in Gaza. The only thing missing are Christians but you can’t get everything in life. On a positive note, Hamas knows everything about festive fireworks. You probably wonder how a stable genius like me succeeded when all my predecessors failed. The answer is simple. I forced the leaders of PLO and Hamas into the same love dead end-tunnel where ISIS dog Baghdadi spent his final moments on earth. I threatened to unleash my killer poodle dogs unless they agreed to my peace plan.”

“I also want to thank the European Union for sponsoring my Las Vegas casinos. Much of the billions that PLO received from the EU, ended up in my casinos. The Europeans insist that Mahmoud Abbas is such a responsible leader and who am I to disagree when he is one of my best customers in Las Vegas?”

“It feels like I overlooked something. Right, Israel and the Jewish people. If you look closer at the Middle Eastern map, you will also find a tiny Jewish state, smaller than my Mar-a-Lago estate. For many years, Israel’s neighbors wanted the Jews to move into the ocean. However, since Jews are mainly land based creatures, it led to a vocal disagreement. That I can tell you.”

“Look, there are many nasty folks and you can’t love everyone. Half of the world recognizes my genius while the other half are sore losers. You can’t kill everyone that you dislike. Believe me, sometimes I have an itching desire to wage Jihad on the Clintons, New Yallah Times and Corrupt Nincompoop Nuisance (CNN). But I am a nice guy and nice guys always use proxies. Our friends in Tehran know a thing or two about this.”

“Some people claim that I have a pro-Israel bias. Total fake news. Yes, I like Israel, apparently too much according to “progressive” American Jews. However, I could also learn to live with Pallywood, if I ever find it on the world map. Some folks criticized me for recognizing Israel’s capital Jerusalem. Well, I have good news. I recognize Disneyland as Pallywood’s entertainment capital. Guys, you need to chill. Endless days of rage are not good for your blood pressure. Pallywood will also have control of the holy sites in Las Vegas. I have kindly elevated Abbas to VIP member in my best casino. Since I recognized Israel’s Golan Heights, I have decided to give Abbas a cottage in the New York Catskill Mountains. Yes, I said that Jewish settlements in Judea are kosher. However, I also say that Muslim settlements in America and Eurabia are halal.”

“You think Jews can be difficult? Believe me, I know everything about it. Try living with a Jewish son-in-law and lovingly exhausting Jewish grandkids. The more I support Israel the more I am hated among “progressive” Jews. However, unlike them, I have Jewish grandkids.”

“Peace is about respecting differences. Israel promises to stop imposing chicken soup on Pallywood. In return, Pallywood has promised to postpone its desire to wipe out Israel until after Christmas.”


Daniel Krygier

Daniel Krygier is a writer, political analyst and satirist living in Israel.