This post comes with a satire warning
Doha: In a move described by Gulf Insiders as World-Class Gamesmanship and 3-D Chess, Qatar’s Emir Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani pulled his hand out of Tucker Carlson‘s butt for 5 minutes this morning. “This sort of work is exhausting.” explained a Palace Insider on condition of anonymity. “Think of this as a ‘Self Care’ regimen for Royalty….everybody needs a break sometimes.”
Qatar’s relationship with Tucker Carlson has been described by some critics as “more puppetry than that Being John Malkovitch movie.” Yet Mr. Carlson has taken this criticism in stride. In fact, he generously joined the Daily Freier for a video chat from his Doha hotel room. “Some people say that I’m an Opportunist. But Fox News fired me in 2023, and my fishing lodge is not going to pay for itself.” Tucker Carlson paused for a moment and stared into the distance. “Strangely enough, that’s about the time I decided I don’t like Israel anymore. Crazy, huh?”
Carlson lit a cigar and continued. “Having the Emir’s hand in my sphincter is really not a big deal. It has virtually Zero effect on my daily routine.” explained the noted fan of Moscow’s subways and Nicholas Maduro’s family values. “At first it was hard for me to go fly fishing up at my place in Maine, but after a while I just got used to it. Basically I give His Excellency a “head’s up” before I cast a lure, and he relaxes his grip for a few seconds. Sometimes he flicks his wrist at the same time that I’m casting, which really helps me get to those hard-to-reach eddies and pools on the other side of the creek.”
News of the Emir taking a brief respite was met with the following headlines from Qatari media:
Qatar’s Great Emir defends his Kingdom from the Perfidy of the Jews – Al Jazeera Arabic
Qatar’s Great Emir defends his Kingdom from the Perfidy of the Zionists – Al Jazeera English
Qatar’s stance against Zionist Aggression and what this means for the Queer and Non-Binary – AJ+
