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Grease Lightning

What does a washed up, poney-tailed former action movie star with a penchant for Buddhism do when the movie work dries up?
He launches his own brand of energy drink of course.
Introducing Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt!

According to the website, Lightning Bolt contains ingredients such as Ginkgo Biloba (the name of a hobbit?), Cordyceps (a body part?), and Yerba Mate (an Australian ingredient, perhaps?).

But I guess I shouldn’t knock it. After all, Seagal apparently travelled all the way to Asia to search for these ingredients. But what’s with the name of the flavors, which include Asian Experience and Cherry Charge. Does his marketing director moonlight as porn movie producer?
I also have to take issue with the site’s description of Seagal’s movies.
A master of several Japanese martial arts, Steven Seagal is a popular action movie hero whose films combine spiritual concepts and social/environmental consciousness with high-voltage violence.
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For his first film, he carefully refashioned an average police drama into Above the Law (1988), which stressed characterization and plot as well as high-energy action scenes.
Not to mention the site’s estimation of Seagal’s intelligence.
Steven Seagal Enterprises was formed in 2004 as a way for Steven Seagal to share his wisdom and experience of energy with the world. The infinite wisdom of Steven Seagal combined with an experienced Sales and Marketing team has made it possible for Lightning Bolt to emerge as one of the most unique energy drinks on the market.
Whoever wrote that probably drank one Lightning Bolt drink too many.
Update: In accordance with my time honored tradition of milking a photo to death:
A man realizes too late that Lightning may not strike twice, but Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt need only strike once.
Update: In trying to ascertain whether or not this is a hoax, I found this beverage industry site, which not only seems to indicate that this is not a hoax, but also reveals something even sadder.
Maintaining an unrelenting schedule that would tire younger entrepreneurs, the 54-year-old Seagal has just completed two movies, “Into the Sun” and “Submerged.” His album, “Songs from the Crystal Cave,” released earlier this year, has already hit the pop charts in Europe.
Oh, brother.
Update: Further proof that this may not be a hoax – it is actually being sold!
I did initially think that this site proved it was a hoax, since:
Xoxide.com was founded in early 2000 with a goal to provide the best computer case and computer cooling accessories available. We have been leading the cooling and modification industry, and vow to always provide the most cutting edge products.
In other words, the drink makes for a good computer coolant!
And look at how the drink is described.
Are you stuck drifting through life in a state of existential confusion wandering aimlessly through the multitudes of energy products not knowing which one is the right one for you? Then look no further for the true meaning of life then Master Sensei Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!
Lightning Bolt, the one and only energy drink crafted by martial arts expert and herbal specialist Steven Seagal, is the only all natural 100% juice energy drink on the market. This long lasting energy elixir is made with key ingredients from all over the globe. With a healthy dosing of Tibetan Goji Berry, Asian Cordyceps, B-Vitamins, Green Tea, Yerba Mate, Ginseng, Ginkgo Biloba, Guarana, and Policosanols, Lightning Bolt will give you the strength you need to punch your adversary’s faces through plate glass windows day in and day out!
Oh and it gets better, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is available in 2 great juicy flavors! Cherry Charge brings you the great taste of freshly squeezed cherry juice, while for those of you that desire a slightly less sweet drink can partake of the true Asian Experience. Either way, you still get a powerful bolt of energy delivered into your body that Steven Seagal precisely blended for lasting maximum performance. So get ready to take on the world with new meaning with Steven Segal’s own Lightning Bolt Energy Drink!

Features:

  • 100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice
  • Designed for intense mortal combat or any extreme situation requiring ultimate energy
  • Can has Steven Seagal’s face on it (who could ask for more!?!)
This is too funny.
However, now I see that they sell other, real energy drinks.
My head hurts.
Update: The album doesn’t seem to be a hoax either.
Update: I had Defamer look into it, and even they came up with bupkes it seems that it is for real.

About the author

Picture of David Lange

David Lange

A law school graduate, David Lange transitioned from work in the oil and hi-tech industries into fulltime Israel advocacy. He is a respected commentator and Middle East analyst who has often been cited by the mainstream media
Picture of David Lange

David Lange

A law school graduate, David Lange transitioned from work in the oil and hi-tech industries into fulltime Israel advocacy. He is a respected commentator and Middle East analyst who has often been cited by the mainstream media
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