Yom HaShoah just came to a close and I feel the need to reflect on all the lessons my people – the Native Americans – can learn from their Jewish counterparts. Lessons such as: how to maintain a culture despite displacement from our ancestral lands, how to resurrect a language that was thought to be dead, how to make the land whole again, how to maintain a moral compass in the face of great pressure, and how to carry on when it seems like the whole damn world would be happier to see you gone forever.
But then I got to thinking; I realized that despite the Jewish people’s many accomplishments, which are significant, even without considering their minority status – that despite Israel’s ability to survive it’s countless threats, even though it’s just a speck on the map – there are a few things the Hebrews are quite bad at. Really, really bad at.
Dear Jews. We all know that you control the media. I mean seriously, you guys are an omnipresent super-secret cabal that controls the ebb and flow of information, and yet, you do a terrible job of getting your puppets to say nice things about you. In fact, if one didn’t know better, one might thing that you didn’t control the media at all. Heck, the level of demonization you allow on your personal etch-a-sketch is either a brilliant cover, or you simply suck at twisting those little white nobs.
Israel, it’s time to drop the G word: You guys are really bad at genocide, I mean shockingly, awful at it. Any tin pot dictator of a banana stand can conduct a Genocide (sit down Kim Jong Un. You don’t even have bananas). Yet, Israel – you guys somehow manage to fail at genocide – not just fail, but spectacularly so. Everyone knows that to conduct a proper genocide, you have to drastically reduce a population using violent means. So, why is it that, during your “genocide” of the Palestinians, their population has literally (okay, figuratively) exploded six fold? Get your act together, Hebrews! This is literally the WORST GENOCIDE EVER. Its like you aren’t even trying…. Don’t you realize that you have a multitude of neighbors who you can teach you how to fill out the proper paper work? You’ve got Syria, Iraq, Iran – the list goes on.
Your ethnic cleansing? Well, that was a pretty epic fail, too. There are nearly 2 million Arabs living in Israel. Jeesh, You should just look at your annoying neighbor, the Palestinian Authority, to see ethnic cleansing done right. They have zero Jews. ZERO. And their percentage of Christians has now shrunk below 5%. Those guys can really teach you Israelis a thing or two about ethnic cleansing. You Hebrews are real slackers, with your diverse population that includes 18% Muslims and 9% Christians – a population that continues to grow at a healthy rate (again, see earlier paragraph about how awful Israel is at genocide.)
You guys are also terrible at war. Terrible. Granted, every time you guys get into a brawl, you end up taking more land (land that was originally yours to begin with) and less casualties, but the media keeps telling me that you lose every war (see earlier paragraph about Jews sucking at etch-a-sketch nob twisting). And just an FYI: during a war, you are supposed to kill the enemy, not send them shipments of food and water and pay for their electricity. You definitely don’t warn the enemy that you’re on the way – you don’t drop leaflets or call their houseline to say waddup. What is wrong with you Israelis? Your war with Gaza was clearly a loss; they actually had a population increase during the past 5 years. How is that even possible?
You also run the worst prison/concentration camp ever. Let’s talk about Gaza. You’re supposed to water-board your detainees, maybe show them how Chinese water torture works (for educational purposes, nothing more), but you are definitely not supposed to let them open up a waterpark. A waterpark! And how the hell can there be so many obese people in this prison/concentration camp? How do so many people have iPhone 5’s? You guys seriously need to crack down. Crap is getting pretty lax when everyone has access to Angry Birds. I don’t think people at Auschwitz had smartphones or high speed Internet. I don’t believe the Jews and the many others who were murdered during the Holocaust had a diet that allowed for obesity.
I guess it’s safe to say that Jews aren’t awesome at “Everything.” And it’s a very good thing that they suck at these few things. It’s exactly why I want my people to learn from Israel; morality, on the path to justice, is often the only difference between us and our foes.
