How To Defeat ISIS Using Alternative Means

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Corinne Lepage, former European Parliament member and French Minister of the Environment wrote a very intriguing article on Huffington Post titled, “A Successful Climate Change Conference Is The Best Response To ISIS Brutality”.

isis climate change

I know what you’re all thinking… that makes perfect sense! The connection is so clear! Lepage explains that ISIS’s main source of income revolves around oil. Either through smuggling or funds received via oil-rich countries. So in order to choke off their economic supply, we, the responsible citizens of Earth must gather together and solve global dependence on fossil fuels. We must switch to electric cars and cloth supermarket bags, live solely off renewable resources and gradually reduce our purchases of oil from the countries that fund ISIS. Let’s see how this plan would look on a timeline:



Date Detail
Nov 2015 COP 21 Conference
Dec 2015 Increased investment in renewable resource and electric cars
Jun 2016 ISIS conquers Iraq
Jul 2017 ISIS conquers Syria
Aug 2017 Terror attacks rampant in Europe
Dec 2021 ISIS conquers Middle East
Jun 2023 ISIS conquers Europe
Jan 2030 Enough electric cars sold to negatively affect oil imports from MEA countries

As you can see, by 2030, we will be making some successful headway on this plan.

In the optimistic spirit of Lepage, I have come up with some alternative ways to defeat ISIS without resorting to violence.

  1. Unlimited Copyright Free File Sharing

We can estimate that ISIS began its roots in 1999. It is no coincidence that this is the same year Napster began its file sharing system. If unlimited copyright free file sharing becomes fully legalized, ISIS will have no way to collect royalties from the Justin Bieber records they produced.

bieber
What, you didn’t know?

2. Legalize Weed, Subsidize Pop Tarts

When ISIS comes raging through your town, don’t respond with guns. Respond with a spliff. After a couple hits of the Maui Wowie, they’ll be too blazed to commit horrendous acts of terror. Oh and you’ll need Pop Tarts, preferably S’mores flavoured.

cheech and chong
Hey man. What if like… the 72 virgins… are us?

3. Stop M. Night Shyamalan From Ever Making Another Movie

I’m pretty sure ISIS gets just as angry as I do after watching each passing one.

the happening
Really, please stop.

4. Replace Loudspeaker Prayers At Mosques With “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” by War

This plan can’t fail and will offend exactly no one.

5. Team Building Exercises With Your Local ISIS Chapter

Nothing helps you bond with new people like a good ice breaker. Try the “Helium Stick”. It’s fun and challenging! ISIS will never want to kill another infidel after seeing the activities we came up with in the civilized Western world.

6. Skate Parks

Help turn radical Islam into…

radical islam

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I'm a Canadian Israeli, Aliyah Class of '10. You may know me as tweeter @notantisemitic but here I'll tickle your Zionist bone in other ways.