We’ve all heard of Whig historians, Marxist historians, revisionist historians. But now the brightest and the best academic historians practice Retroactive history. Their radical approach is in explaining how certain events in history were actually caused by events which happened later in time, when all previous schools of historiography from Herodotus on blindly taught that events which happened later in time were caused by events that occurred before them.
Some of the most progressive work in retroactive history has shown how the attacks on the World Trade Center and 9/11 were in fact provoked by, indeed were the inevitable consequences of America’s invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan.
Further exciting research in retrospective historiography has proved conclusively that the Arab conquests of the 7th Century were the preemptive response to Christian aggression in the Middle East known today as the Crusades.
It is reported that a team of researchers at the Institute of Alternative Reality at UCLL* is working on a definitive proof that the foundation of the State of Israel was a major contributing factor to the Holocaust. This, of course, is the same team that formulated the initially controversial but then brilliantly argued thesis that Hamas rocket-fire into Israel is a direct reaction to Israeli incursions into Gaza
Further exciting research points to how, contrary to all previous misrepresentations, it was Poland which invaded Germany in 1939, that Israel invaded all its neighbors in 1948 and then again in 1967 and 1973, and that there is a greater than evens chance that World War II actually preceded World War 1, and they need to be renamed.
We interviewed Professor Alison McScrewloose of the Centre of Applied Retro-narratology, who told us “of course we don’t deny the existence of objective historical facts. But we do challenge the bourgeois phallocratic hegemonic notion of chronological order. Cause and effect, like space and time, are relative to the observer and it’s high time we freed ourselves from the straitjacket of conventional linear logicity”.
*(University of California at Los Locos)
