My Neighbor

Maps_-_Israel_and_Arab_Countries_-My neighbor Muhammad suffers from claustrophobia. This is understandable since he is confined to a tiny home, larger than the United States. It turns out that Jihad is a medical condition, which keeps claustrophobia in check by constantly expanding the borders of the suffering patients. Once the Atlantic Ocean was reached in what is today Morocco, it makes sense to keep expanding further north into Eurabia. Medical studies have shown that because of the mass migration from the Middle East, claustrophobia is on the rise in Europe´s increasingly congested cities. Medical experts recommend suffering European patients to consider moving to less crowded places like the increasingly depopulated Syria.

To make things worse, my home Israel is apparently blocking the sun for my neighbor. This is also understandable since the vast Zionist empire is the size of superpowers like New Jersey, Wales and Slovenia. Do not despair if this is Chinese to you because of sleeping through the geography classes. If the Middle East and North Africa region were transformed into a soccer stadium, the Zionist empire would expand menacingly between the goal posts of one goal. The poor Arabs and Persians would be forced to be squeezed in on the rest of the stadium.
My neighbor takes human rights seriously and I feel that we will never be able to live up to his gold standard. He is so worried about the safety of his wives and daughters that he keeps them confined at home so they will not get lost in the city. Due to a number of failed plastic surgeries and the strong Middle Eastern sun, my neighbor’s wives are compelled to dress in fashionable burqas bought in Harrods.

My neighbor kindly embraces all religious and ethnic minorities as long as they live submissively under his Islamist boot. My neighbor always knows what is best for others so do not even dream about protesting. Muhammad is obsessed with order and equality, which is why his dhimmi concept makes sure that every minority is equally under the boot.
Homosexuality naturally does not exist in my neighbor’s home and should it be spotted anyway, its practitioners can expect a swift and brutal end. Needless to say, my neighbor is driven by compassion so its practitioners can freely choose the color of the crane from which they will meet their creator.

My neighbor loves the concept of multiculturalism, as long as it is exported abroad and nobody gets the crazy idea of practicing it in his home. Thanks to my neighbor, the once provincial backwater of London, embraces today everything from Afghani Taliban, Lebanese Hezbollah, Gazan Hamas, Somali Al-Shabaab to cosmopolitan ISIS. Occasionally, you can even spot some English aliens with their foreign traditions of fish and chips and afternoon tea. London’s new Muslim mayor is apparently pushing for alcohol-free halal wine and beer.
My neighbor deplores oppression, which is why he keeps indigenous peoples like Berbers and Kurds on a short leash, in order to prevent them from oppressing each other. He also occupies their homes in order to protect them from potential looting.

My neighbor naturally opposes genocide, which explains why he condemns Israel for refusing to be quietly wiped out. Unfortunately, he suffers from amnesia when it comes to the hundreds of thousands of innocent women, men and children who have been massacred under my neighbor’s benevolent auspices. The Syrian civil war is essentially an internal disagreement regarding who will kill the Jews first.

Nothing upsets my neighbor more than racism and he seeks spiritual comfort in works brimming with universal love like Mein Kampf and The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Zionism, the idea that Jews deserve a tiny sliver of land of their own is naturally “racism” while 22 Arab states is also “racism” since Arabs can’t be expected to be satisfied with only 22 countries.

My neighbor welcomes freedom of speech as long as it is limited to attacks on Christians, Jews, minorities and the West. Criticizing Islamic fundamentalism is Islamophobic and not recommended unless you have lost zest for life and have a great life insurance plan.

My neighbor is generally frustrated that his peaceful intentions were lost in translation somewhere between World Trade Center and Paris.


Daniel Krygier

Daniel Krygier is a writer, political analyst and satirist living in Israel.

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