Anti-Zionist Lives Matter

azlmWhat do you do if you can’t wean yourself of an addiction which is considered socially unacceptable in mainstream civilized societies? Well, if your addiction is antisemitism then you should not worry too much. Just rebrand your obsessive hobby as anti-Zionism and you will be just fine. In fact, there is a high probability that you will be elevated to the status as a superstar among “progressive” self-appointed human rights activists.

”Anti-Zionist Lives Matter” spokesman Jihad Pogromchik explains: ”Anti-Zionism differs from anti-Semitism as sophisticated Pepsi differs from vulgar Cola. Some people like to hunt foxes and we like to hunt Jews. However, unlike anti-Semites who are bigots, we anti-Zionists are enlightened and celebrated human rights kings at campuses around the world.”

Mr. Pogromchik continues: “We anti-Zionists have never been able to multitask. This is why we focus exclusively on Zionists and Pallywood. Remind us again in another 2000 years and we will consider shifting the focus towards places like Syria, Tibet, Kurdistan, North Korea and Sudan by opening local Bagel Dumpling Schnitzel (BDS) offices there.”

“Anti-Zionist Lives Matter” is not only concerned with its peculiar brand of “human rights”. It also fills an important social function and unites delicate, fractured and very diverse souls like London’s former Mayor Red-Ken Kidneystone, ISIS, Communists, Pan-Arabists, Neo-Nazis, Hezbollah, Jewish-born Judeophobes like Chomsky and Finkelstein, Hamas and Ayatollahs.

Researchers have found a link between anti-Zionism and nostalgia. Columbia University Professor Mr. Psychobabble, who is on the payroll of a Gulf Emirate Prince, explains: “Anti-Zionists are old-fashioned people who are having serious problems adapting to a rapidly changing world. The anti-Zionists miss the good old days when Jews were homeless and defenseless. Zionism does not respect old traditions and deprives anti-Zionists of the fundamental human right to hunt Jews with impunity. It’s much less fun picking on Jews that can hit back. How can the Zionists be so cruel and heartless?”

Secretary of State John Kerry suggests that Israel moves to Antarctica and demands that Jews meet the Arabs halfway: the Jews will only be pushed to the brink of the sea and then jump in voluntarily. Mr. Kerry’s spokesman Heinz Al-Ketchup elaborates: “Both sides need to make painful compromises and what can be more painful than the hard work of pushing well-fed Jews, sorry I mean Zionists, to the brink of the Mediterranean Sea? The Arabs are displaying generosity since there are normally no free rides to the beach.”

However, it appears that Mr. Kerry’s new roadmap for peace is melting faster than the polar ice caps. Pallywood stand-up comedian Mr. Abbas insists that Antarctica is “occupied” Pallywood territory since time of amnesia and threatens a Bipolar Intifada. The famous explorers Amundsen and Scott, who reached Antarctica over hundred years ago, were apparently both members of the Pallywood tribe as are all the local polar bears. Gaza University historian Abdul Al-Megalomania, who has researched the issue in his new book “Antarctic Pallywood – freezing your Jihad butt off”, claims that the schism between Fatahwood and Hamasistan is rooted in the old rivalry between Amundsen and Scott.

Meanwhile, ISIS which also opposes the transfer of Israel to Antarctica, threatens to impose sharia on Zionist penguins associated with Mossad. Antarctica is apparently already under Zionist control according to Pallywood, which points out to the significant presence of Icebergs and probably also Goldbergs in the region.

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Daniel Krygier

Daniel Krygier is a writer, political analyst and satirist living in Israel.

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