Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart (Satire)
Tel Aviv: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?” The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to gauge the feelings of real Israelis on just how they have been affected by Mr. Beinart’s harsh words about people in Ma’ale Adumim putting in a swimming pool and a patio.
As the Daily Freier made its way down Dizengoff Street, it bumped into Alert Local Ronit S. and proceeded to ask her how she felt about Peter Beinart’s criticism of Israel.
“Who?” she asked
“Peter Beinart. The beating heart of Liberal Zionism. Writes for Haaretz sometimes. Ringing a bell now?”
“Wait…so he’s with Haaretz? I went to their Cultural Conference in South Tel Aviv last Spring. I think I saw him there…..Is he the performance artist who put the flag in his butt and pelted the audience with orange rinds?” [Legal Disclaimer: No. No he’s not. But this did in fact really happen.]
Ronit needed to get to her new job at a Start-Up or something, so we continued south on Dizengoff until we hit Dizengoff Square. There we bumped into the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein, who was walking her neighbors’ dogs while they’re off hiking in India. We posed the same question to Emily: How does she feel about Peter’s ultimatum to Israel on behalf of Lefty American Jews who have not (Yet!) totally bought into BDS: specifically, that if we’re not careful we’re going to lose him?
Emily thought for a moment and then smiled. “Peter Beinart? Wasn’t he on Birthright with me? Kinda cute? Played soccer in college? From San Diego? Dad owns a chain of movie theaters?” mused Emily as she smiled and twirled her hair. The Daily Freier reluctantly informed Emily that this was not in fact the case, and she seemed a bit bummed out.
Undeterred, the Daily Freier stopped to ask a Delivery Guy named Moti whom we met in front of Dizengoff Center whether he had heard of Peter Beinart, the noted Progressive Zionist and Haaretz contributor who only critiques Israel out of love. Moti, a native of Petach Tikvah, seemed stumped.
Despite these setbacks, the Daily Freier continued its sojourn for Truth, turning right on King George and walking toward Gan Meir. There we ran into a confused disheveled man who was screaming at the top of his lungs at nobody in particular. We determined that he was either a vulnerable member of the Homeless Community or one of our Professors from Tel Aviv University. So we asked him the same question: How does he feel about Peter Beinart’s critique of Israel?
“Peter Beinart? Wait, is he the guy who starts every sentence with “As a Jew I…” before listing all the ways we disappoint him?”
Ding Ding Ding! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!