It’s that exciting time of the year when friends get together from all over the world and put aside all those stresses of daily life, the grind and the hustle, the studying, the work, the politics – and come together across all party lines in a unified front of hatred and disgust!
That’s right – it’s Israel Apartheid Week – sponsored by great democracies like Iran, Syria, UNRWA and the UN! And for just one week, all fascists, antisemites, bigots, racists and generally unpleasant sort of people can get together in a safe space where they can laugh together, hate together, be violent together, be hypocritical together and discuss various ways of boycotting and hating Jews! Whoops! Did I say Jews?? I meant ‘zionists!’ hehe – silly me. Shhh!
It will be a fun time for all where you get to hear from those inspirational student leaders – usually in their mid 30s and in the tenth year of a three-year degree – where they will discuss the hardships of the evil occupation, as they sip cappuccinos and almond milk mochas in the comfort of a Californian sunset.
You will hear from the brave leaders of the palestinian authority, as they discuss the daily struggles they face under occupation and poverty. They’ll be coming to you live from the five-star luxury Four Seasons hotel in Baltimore where their hotel bill just hit $15000! DING! Another item from the minibar just got eaten! Whoops – don’t get champagne on those dress suit shirts – it’s murder to clean!
In our “As a Jew” segment, we’ll hear from proud antisemitic Jews, like Jewish Voice for Peace, who desperately want to be loved and respected in the hopes it’ll save them! HINT: It won’t!
We’ll have workshops at universities where you can build apartheid walls and send eviction notices to Jewish students! Hell – beats having to study or work! Mommy and Daddy will be proud their money is going to good use.
This year we are also proud to announce major support from the government of South Africa. A spokesman was supposed to be at our meeting, but I think since they rejected Israel’s help with their water crisis, he’s currently doing a rain dance in the car park.
In a very special “your history is our history” segment, students have ingeniously taken the image of Anne Frank, the Jewish girl who died in a concentration camp and…. drumroll – made her a palestinian!! You crazy kids! Extra points for imagination.
And speaking of imagination, there are still plenty of slots available in our creative writing workshop – where you don’t just talk about palestinian history – you make it up!! That’s right – this is your opportunity to come up with your own story and your own tales of bravery and misery. Be sure to throw in lots of images of misery and suffering – and feel free to download images from the whole Arab world which is all F#@%ED, because…um…er… unfortunately… we don’t have our own images and those luxury shopping malls in Gaza are also not what we want to show… As a guideline, please use the story of the Jews and change it to make it your own story. There’s no copyright during Israel Apartheid Week!
There’ll be plenty of yummy snacks available for all, and I’m sure Jewish Voice for Peace will be providing the bagels and lox. HINT: Still not going to save you! Also, please avoid the cherry tomatoes – damn Zionists invented them as a means to occupy, colonise, oppress people and control the banking systems of the world. I’ve already messed three of them on my shirt.
Please note that our afternoon sessions will contain a workshop on How To Demonstrate Peacefully, followed by rioting and windows bashing – and then coffee. Finally, we’ll end off with a special talk on Loving Your Neighbour by Louis Farrakhan.
Also, it’s important that we show how respectful, peaceful and tolerant we are so all views must be heard – as per our charter. Anyone differing from that will be subject to violent protest, persecution, bullying and intimidation.
Are we having fun yet??
In fact screw Israel Apartheid WEEK – I’ve just updated the website to make it two whole months!
Remember everyone – we’re about peace and democracy and social justice and if you believe in that you’ll always have a home with us.
Membership limited to racist, xenophobic, fascist, Jew hating bigots.