Abbas Slams Israel’s Disproportionate Response to Tomorrow’s Spontaneous Riots Against Embassy Move

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Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.

“Tomorrow’s unplanned protest will have pre-printed signs. Additionally, if there are no rocks normally present at the site of your protest, tomorrow there will be. Reuters, Agence France, the BBC, and CNN will somehow be present and ready to film. Unless they film something that makes us look bad. In which case I would offer my sincere advice to the reporters that it is in the interest of their health and safety that they forget what they just saw……Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. We forcefully condemn Israel’s response. Especially when they injure that slow kid from Nablus named Mustafa with a tear gas canister. I will visit Mustafa in the hospital tomorrow evening at approximately 7 PM. At 8 PM one of the hacks from the Palestinian Authority will go on Egyptian TV and claim that Trump, the Pope, and Theresa May are all secretly Freemasons. At 9 PM I will call Mr. Trump and ask for more money.”

Mr. Abbas ended his Press Conference with an appeal to the International Community to condemn tomorrow’s actions by Israel, and that “failing to do so could jeopardize plans to celebrate the 13th Anniversary of my four-year term as President.

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