How To Hold An Effective Jew Hate Rally

So a few weeks ago I wrote a translation guide on how to speak “Pallywood” and last night I attended a ridiculous rally that was supposedly anti Israel. It was, however, enlightening because I learned just how cultlike the idiocy really is. So lets look at how to hold a Jew hate rally.

  1. Ryan Asshat demo in USA_04Get a few Jews, you don’t even need actual Jews, just some people who may or may not actually carry Jewish blood. That way if anyone says “Hey, you are saying some pretty hateful stuff about Jews,” you can say “It’s ok because I have Jewish friends like this guy.” Make sure you let the ersatz Jews talk and make sure they say “as a Jew” because everyone knows asa Jews are legit! Even better, get a Lesbian Jew who looks like a man, because then you can hit at least two verticals here.
  2. Make sure you have a megaphone, because, let’s be honest, nobody listens to to the generally shrill voices that the testicularly challenged often have unless it’s magnified. Also, get there early! Because some big ass Indian might get there before you, and stand right in Ryan Asshat demo in USA_02the middle where you want to set up, and he probably won’t move when you demand that he move. Then he might stand in the centre of your protest waving an Israeli flag right above your speakers, making it hard to film without seeing that flag in every shot.
  3. Make sure that any time someone says anything logical or fact based, you immediately flip an emotional switch. For instance, if the tall Indian guy says “They throw gay people off roofs in Gaza,” you respond with “Free free Palestine, the oppression must end.” Do not try to argue facts with facts, because, seriously. Also, make sure and chant support for the intifada, because running into children with cars and stabbing old ladies in the back is the act of a brave resistance fighter.
  4. Ryan Asshat demo in USA_01It’s all about Oppression cred…. Make certain you hit every single possible group, leave no struggle unstolen. First hit the civil rights movement and Black Lives Matter, because there will always be at least one stupid black guy at every protest, (and no Dave Chappelle, he probably isn’t doing the robot). That guy will talk about how similar the movements are, but then give examples of how they are not by claiming that, the Arabs being shot are being framed, even though there is video showing them attacking people with knives. Besides, everyone knows the Arabs didn’t actively sell black people until the 1970’s and even today in the Sinai. Anyway, it’s even better if it’s a Gay Black guy, because then he has double oppression cred. Be better if it was a woman though. A gay Black woman. Then you should go after any other visible minority; at this San Francisco event they got a Philippino to talk about how terrible America and Israel is. Seems legit. She wasn’t gay though, so her oppression cred was kind-a lacking. Then you gotta get the “woman who looks like a dude with piercings” Lesbian, because they have serious oppression cred. Even better is when it’s a Jewish woman who looks like a dude, because that’s literally quadruple oppression cred, woman? Check, lesbian? Check ,Jew? Check, homely? Check. It doesn’t get much better than that unless she was Black too. Anyway make certain to compare Palestine to EVERYTHING. Get as many minorities involved because, oppression cred.
  5. Remember that ‘ism’s’ are all bad, except the ones you like. This means that you can chant “ Zionism is Capitalism” even though anyone with a functioning brain knows that the first Zionists were Socialists. If that damn big Indian says “Zionism and Capitalism have nothing to do with each other, just yell “Free Free Palestine” and when he responds that “Palestine was freed in 1947” just chant “Free Free Palestine” some more.

abbasJust remember it doesn’t matter how ridiculous you sound, you will be preaching to a Jew hate choir, so they will be willing to do mental gymnastics to make their Jew hatred fit. This means gays will ignore the fact that they would be killed outright or simply oppressed to hideous levels in their beloved Palestine while there are Gay pride parades in Israel. They will talk about democracy in the PA and Gaza, ignoring how long ago the last elections were. They will ignore that women in Israel enjoy the best equal rights and that there are 2 million Arabs in Israel and not a single Jew in Palestinian controlled areas.

Anyway follow these rules and you too can hold an effective Jew hate rally.



Ryan Bellerose

A member of the indigenous Metis people, Ryan grew up in the far north of Alberta, Canada with no power nor running water. In his free time, Ryan plays Canadian Rules Football, reads books, does advocacy work for indigenous people and does not live in an Igloo.

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