We are the Mossad. You may know us as the top-secret Israel intelligence agency that is to blame for everything from stolen shoes to 2016 celebrity deaths to the guy who opens his can of soda really slowly in an exam room in an effort to “not make too much noise”.
Among the things we, the Mossad are blamed for are natural disasters. Yes. Indeed. “Natural”.
So we are here to come clean and say to you, the internet, that yes. We do indeed have a machine capable of creating every type of weather you need.
Katrina 2005? Us.
San Francisco 1906? Also us.
Eyjafjallajökull 2010? We don’t take kindly to mountains we can’t pronounce.
We are also not afraid to use our earthquake machine so it’s best that you stay on our good side.
The other day, New Zealand authored a UNSC resolution that declared all Israeli settlements “illegal”. So we fired up the earthquake machine and aimed it for New Zealand.
We sent a warning tweet on December 25.
We have a small tremor planned in Auckland this afternoon. https://t.co/202Q2Ssi9M
— The Mossad (@TheMossadIL) December 25, 2016
Although we had some delays due to technical issues, on December 27, we sent a 4.5 just to show them we’re serious.
Excellent work Earthquake Team! 4.5 magnitude in New Zealand. That'll show them to harm Israel at UNSC. pic.twitter.com/3EdZ6qYQPv
— The Mossad (@TheMossadIL) December 27, 2016
After our demand to repeal the resolution was still not met, we turned up the dial a little bit to 5.5.
K guys. Turn off the earthquake machine. I think they got the message. https://t.co/kfec3onJru
— The Mossad (@TheMossadIL) December 29, 2016
This is a message to New Zealand. We are the Mossad. We control the weather and also have killer laser sharks on standby in your glorious coral reefs.