The Mossad IL: The Other Other Israeli Intelligence Agency
We are The Mossad IL. You may know us from Twitter as “@TheMossadIL“. We have kindly asked Aussie Dave to open a user on his blog. Thank you Dave. Here’s your goldfish back.
We want to use this blog in order to give you a little background on what we do and why we do it.
The Mossad IL was established in 1949 and went through various changes until its current form. Our divisions are:
Our largest division is purposed to collect information covertly. Our main operatives (who prefer to be called “Warriors”) are The European Bee Eater, The Griffon Vulture, and several cuddly squirrels.
Political Action and Intelligence Liaison
This division is charged with controlling everything in your life. From the 2016 US elections to that sudden urge to use the bathroom minutes before your bus arrives. Our operatives are every single internet user who thinks Israel has a right to not be destroyed. We pay them to have those views using a special Hasbara crypto-currency called Zionist Shillings. And we give them all mugs.
The Psychological Warfare division is charged with special operations involving trolling the living daylights out of those who wish for our demise.
Our proudest achievements are:
- The successful extraction of Asghar Bukhari’s left shoe
- The box of trans-fat heavy hamantaschen we sent to Talib Kweli. He’s so happy with it he has tweeted a screenshot of that tweet no less than 100 times.
- The periodical reminder the Richard Silverstein is still a douche. His soft-on rages.
- Linda Sarsour and her Zionist iPhone.
- Getting our love on with Beirut.
Research and Assessment
This division is tasked with going through all the pictures on your phone. While we’re in there we create albums and videos of the pictures you took that day and send them to you via Google Photos. What you thought Google does that automatically?
Our 27,454 manned division spends all day in your phones and computers perusing your browsing habits, looking through your baby pictures, talking to your baba. Not really for any reason. Maybe we just want to be friends.
This is our most important and daring division. Our team of special ops professionals have succeeded in extraordinary missions such as:
- Operation: Which Waze To The Lake
- Operation: Seatbelts Are Zionist
- Operation: Seaworld
- Operation: Seaworld II
- Operation: Atomic Lizard