Peter Beinart Named Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.

Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter. Peter Beinart. You see, way back in the Years BTD (Before The Donald), Peter was a Liberal, if somewhat cranky, Zionist. Then something happened. Beinart started growing frustrated with the direction Israel was headed, and that the average Israeli didn’t actually know who he was. The Trump years certainly didn’t help slow down the meshugas. Soon, Beinart was throttling toward full-blown BDS. Not to say we at the Daily Freier totally called it, but we totally called it.

Mr. Beinart was characteristically philosophical about his win, enjoying the moment but not forgetting the Big Ideas. “Tonight was a Win for Justice and I think we will cover this Milestone in our Talk tonight with Omar Barghouti. As a Jew that just feels right.”

While Peter’s win was met with virtual across-the-board celebration, not everyone shared this sentiment. One such dissenting voice was Ariel Gold, who joined the Daily Freier on a Zoom call to vent her frustration. “Seriously? I spend years in the trenches doing the hard work of getting deported from Israel, body-shaming Hen Mazzig, and yelling at Ben Shapiro… and then he just mansplains himself to the nomination? Check your privilege, Peter!”

When asked if he had any parting words for Israel, Mr Beinart replied “We are never ever getting back together. Like… Ever.”

*Or Crazy Ex-Boyfriend. Take your pick!


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