BREAKING: Inventors of the Suicide Bomb Dislike Metal Detectors

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There is a story sending shock waves throughout the International Community today. Specifically, it appears that the folks who brought us the airline hijacking and the suicide bomber……. you may want to sit down for this one …….. well it appears that they really dislike metal detectors. Once again, the people who brought us the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing……. are violently opposed to measures that may have prevented……. the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing. The Daily Freier wandered around Jerusalem trying to make sense of it all.

First we moped around Machane Yehuda. None of this made any sense. It is almost as if metal detectors are considered provocative……. by the people who are a Huge (Yuge!) reason for metal detectors.

(In other breaking news, it appears that teenage boys object to enforcement of the Speed Limit, girls who are saving themselves for marriage, and liquor stores that ask for your ID.)

Then we got on the light rail, where we were given the once-over by a security guard packing a 9mm pistol underneath his tan vest. But what the heck was he doing guarding a public place in Israel? From whom? Like what’s the point? And why are we even writing this non-sequitur that has nothing to do with our main point?

(This just in……. the National Organization of Foxes has informed the Israeli Department of Agriculture that it wishes to start a Working Group to address the issues of Henhouse Safety.)

We were going to go to the Kotel, but they have metal detectors at the entrance and this would leave us……. triggered. Maybe we just need to forget all about these strange concepts and just get some comfort food. So we went to Crave for some (Kosher!) lamb bacon instead. THE END.

**Writer’s note: We know that Hezbollah (and to a lesser extent Sri Lanka’s Tamil separatists) may have actually “invented” suicide bombing, but the Palestinians really pulled off the whole genre with panache. Plus Hezbollah taught Hamas the finer points of killing Seder attendees and bus passengers after Israel expelled them to Lebanon following the murder of Officer Nissim Toledano. Then we brilliantly let these newly trained wackos back into Israel right around the time the late great Yassar Arafat earned his Nobel Peace Prize. So the Palestinians took an existing concept and really ran with it. They’re the Henry Fords of suicide bombing.

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