But today I am going to preach only good things and boy do I have some for you! And it comes from the moderate leader, a great friend of peace, Mahmoud Abbas! He’s a leader so moderate that he’s even welcomed in the European Parliament where he gets a rapturous and thunderous applause.
More importantly than Moderate Mahmoud is the message he’s bringing to all of us – just like one of those public announcement ads we see on television, or hear on the radio, or advertised by Netflix for the latest Adam Sandler movie.
And the message he brings is that if the “occupation” ends, then TERRORISM WILL END WORLDWIDE. That’s right – you heard it here first. Well, first after… a few other papers… commentaries pieces… tweets… FB status postings… um… BUT THEN you heard it here first. Can you imagine how wonderful that is?? Overnight Boko Haram will swap their axes for guitars. ISIS will start a boy band. Basher Assad will host the next version of Syrian Idol… at least the ones ISIS haven’t destroyed. Hezbollah will publish a book of poetry and Hamas’s leaders will become leading figures in human rights… just as soon as they find their way out of the tunnels they’re hiding in.
In a speech, dripping with moderation, he told the audience how committed he was to a two state solution – a State of Delusion and a State of Confusion. And showing his propensity for creative thinking, he even stood behind the Saudi deal, which is clearly designed for a peaceful future… just as long as you ignore the fine print, regular sized print, paragraphs, italics, addendums, headlines…
Also showing how he is on the side of peace, he condemned Israel’s “fascist” policies, clearly designed to wage war on… everyone. Like when they started all those wars in Gaza when all the Gazans were doing were launching ten thousand weather balloons in Israel’s direction! And come on – we all want to know what the weather’s going to be like??
He also spoke with such eloquence and sadness of the “open-air prison” the Palestinians live in…. which is horrible. I mean… sometimes the shopping malls close at 5pm when everyone wants to do late-night shopping. And sometimes the holiday resorts are full. And sometimes, it’s so hard to find parking with those brand new cars! Even the damn Internet speeds drop from sometimes 20 Mbps to just 10 Mbps! It’s HELL!
And because he’s moderate (did I mention that?) he even said Israel is committing “mass-murder of historic proportions… the likes of which have never been seen or heard of ever by the international community.” Another Churchillian quote, because the Shoah, the Armenian Holocaust, Bosnia, Sudan are NOTHING compared to what he’s gone through. And he’s right, because the international community have never seen a genocide of this magnitude where the population just goes up and up and up…
And being moderate and peace-loving, he also launched a blood libel on Jews, by saying that certain Rabbis called for the poisoning of Palestinian water wells. Fortunately, those European Parliament members who applauded him would not be swayed by lies and false accusations, so they responded by continuing to clap anyway.
Very importantly, he condemns terrorism unequivocally! He says… you know… we’re against it… whoever does it…you know… it’s bad… we’re against violence… you know… doesn’t matter where it comes from… you know…whatever… but resistance you know… isn’t terrorism…so you know… that’s cool…
That seems pretty clear to me! And to show his commitment, his fellow moderate Prime Minister Rami Hamdallah even said they’ll increase the pay for the palestinian “heroes” who we just happen to call terrorists. I’m sure the increased pay is to punish them by forcing them to stay home and watch reality television shows instead, courtesy of the European taxpayer who contributes to this.
In another commitment to peace, Moderate Mahmoud was even invited to speak to the Israeli President Reuven Rivlin, but he declined for perfectly understandable reasons. He was too busy preparing his speech by reading the Elders of The Protocols of Zion and looking for old recordings by the Palestine Symphony Orchestra he could present to the Saudi King at their next meeting.
But I’m sure all these points above will be brought up the next time he meets with John Kerry and others who will speak in gushing overtures of what a man of peace he is with all that moderation he exudes. And if only Israel does what he demands, peace will reign throughout the world.
But in case some might interpret this article as promoting hate, I assure you I am only praising the man and his moderation! He’s not Hamas after all, who say that they live in an open air prison, accuse Israel of genocide and mass murder and want to wipe out the country completely.
He’s not that, right??