I just read this Jerusalem Post report in which you told Glenn Beck that “Jewish people” had stolen an early copy of The Passion of the Christ movie and used it to attack you before the film’s release.
My reaction was one of disbelief.
I mean, how did you find out?
It really was a diabolical plan to ruin your life, and I thought we hid our tracks really well. But I guess it is now time to come clean, given you are on to us anyway.
It all started in 1990 when you did Bird On A Wire with Goldie Hawn. You probably did not realize this, but Goldie is one of us. Given her blonde hair, we thought she was the perfect undercover agent for the job for mission: Ruin Mel’s Life. And she proved to be.
One day on set, she placed a couple of special tablets in your water when you were not looking. When swallowed, these tablets – developed by our scientists – place the subject under hypnosis when triggered by certain words.
After special agent Goldie hypnotized you, she implanted the followed suggestions in your sub-conscious – suggestions you were powerless to resist.
- Get drunk and allow your antisemitism to flow out
- It is always a good idea to call a woman “sugar tits”
- Go for the crazy beard look, followed by the Civil War look
- You should totally take the role in this movie
We had other agents tail you over the years, to ensure your life would continue to go downhill.
Remember those socks went missing in the wash? That was us.
You stubbed your toe? Us again.
We also recorded those conversations with your ex.
(But this wasn’t us. We happen to agree with you here)
And yes, we did steal that early copy of The Passion of the Christ. And we would have gotten away with it had it not been for those meddling..
Wait, how did you find out?
Note: The above post was satire. So if you are an Arab, Neo Nazi, or conspiracy, site, just don’t use this as proof. Nor is Mel converting to Islam that we know of.