In light of the fact that April has begun and there has yet to be authored a new definition of antisemitism, we offer this working definition from a caucus of “AsAJew” Jewish public intellectuals, upon consultation with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, the California Ethnic Studies Initiative, and at least one school bus driver.
We have kept it concise because we expect it to be superseded by another definition of antisemitism within a week or so.
What Is Antisemitism
It is antisemitic to express disdain for the Jews more than Steven Salaita does. Claiming that a cabal of Zionists chased you out of Lebanon is not unreasonable, since Zionist control of Lebanon has been a documented reality ever since Hassan Nasrallah was forced to put his cave on the market and purchase one in Damascus at an inflated rate from the last remaining Jewish cave realtor in Syria.
It is antisemitic to deny American Jewry’s whiteness. European Jews have always been a core component of the White Imperialist Republic founded in 1776. Any inconveniences and minor exclusions Jews may have faced in Central Europe is immaterial. Conflating these discrete histories plays into fantasies of Jewish transnational loyalty.
It is antisemitic to claim that the IDF has harvested more Palestinian organs than Jasbir Puar has irrefutably documented, especially if it involves organs that are not vital to Judaic ritual.
It is antisemitic to write antisemitism as “anti-Semitism.” To write “anti-Semitism” is to essentialize the Jews as a race or an ethnicity, effacing Ashkenazi Jewry’s intrinsic complicity in whiteness. Those who obstinately cling to the hyphen are stiff-necked people and grammar Nazis.
What Is Not Antisemitism
It is not antisemitic to call a Jew who stubbornly clings to the hyphenated form of “anti-Semitism” a grammar Nazi.
It is not antisemitic to claim that Zionists not only got Cornell West fired from Harvard but also ordered Chinese Food to his house repeatedly in the middle of the night. Chinese Food has been culturally appropriated by the Jews, and imposing it on BIPOC constitutes culinary imperialism. It is also a form of Ritual Irritable Bowel Murder because MSG is a toxin used by Jews to poison the goyim.
It is not antisemitic to deny the IHRA’s Working Definition of Antisemitism the right to exist.
It is not antisemitic to demand that The Jerusalem Declaration on Antisemitism change its name to The Al-Quds Declaration on Antisemitism since the name “Jerusalem” is a racist endeavor.
It is not antisemitic to compare Israelis to Nazis, Theodor Herzl to Cecil Rhodes, Bibi Netanyahu to Andrew Jackson, or Mendel Beilis to Nosferatu. Political speech does not have to be measured, proportional, tempered, or reasonable to be protected under Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Criticism that some may see as excessive or contentious, or as reflecting a “double standard,” is not, in and of itself, antisemitic. In general, the line between antisemitic and non-antisemitic speech is different from the line between unreasonable and reasonable speech, especially when it involves both sides of the debate over Judeo-exsanguination.
It is not antisemitic to pin this statement to the dorm rooms of select (((college students))) so long as a Students for Justice in Palestine faculty advisor has given their blessing.
On Matters Not Covered in This Declaration
In the interest of preventing a chilling effect on free speech and academic freedom on college campuses, any instance of alleged Jew hatred not covered by this declaration is deemed to be not antisemitic. In the unfortunate event that “donors” exert pressure from the shadows, hidden within corridors of power, student governments are empowered to adjudicate such grievances twice per year, on the tenth of Tishrei and the fourteenth of Nissan.
The AsAJew Jewish Section for Social Justice of the Committee For Public Safety
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. We are stating that it is satire, lest members of the academe and those on the school bus circuit may assume it is a serious declaration.